My Birth Story

Polly Blossom entered the world at 10.08am on Friday 1st February 2019 weighing 5lb 6oz. If you’re like me and you love a birth story then here is mine...

I had a growth scan at 38 +6 weeks, my bump was measuring small and hadn’t grown in two weeks so I was booked in for a scan to check up on the baby. Of course I worried, but the baby was continuing to move so I didn’t panic too much. The scan showed that the blood flow in the umbilical cord was low, so it basically wasn’t doing what it should be. I got a call the following morning saying to come into hospital as they wanted to induce me, “this baby needs to come out” the nurse said. Uh oh, panic mode. I did not prepare or expect an early induction, I had been doing Hypnobirthing for 6 weeks and wanted the most natural labour possible. Well that went out the window!

Induction

I was induced at 11am on Wednesday 30th January with the 24 hour pessary tablet and with my freshly washed hair & little bit of make up I was geared up and ready to have our baby!

No idea of what was ahead 😂 smiling after having my jacket potato with cheese and beans (which I actually loved)

After a few boring hours of sitting around, Dom & I walked into town to get my nails done. Needs must! The walk brought on some movement and once 6pm hit I got my first lot of contractions. Once we was back at the hospital I tried to stay as active as possible but all I wanted to do was chill in bed to save my energy where I could. I said to Dominic that by 9am Thursday I’ll have her for sure! I had been doing Hypnobirthing classes so I was all prepared with my positive mindset, affirmations, and my relaxation tapes. I wanted the most natural labour possible, this being clearly noted on my birth plan NO DRUGS, and no intervention. What I didn’t prepare myself for was being induced and forcing my body in labour.

After 8 hours of contractions it was around 1.30am Thursday I felt a strong baring down pressure & demanded the midwife check how dilated I was. “Oh”, she said, “you’re 5-6cm!”, so out came the 24hour pessary as it was no longer needed, I was in active labour! Yes! I thought, it’s happening, the baby will be here by 9am no doubt. Off I was wheeled to the labour ward.

Settling all 6 of our bags & pillows into our new room - we felt like we was moving in - our midwife introduced herself along with 2 doctors and a paediatrician - this was all due to the baby having heart complications, they wanted to be present at the birth for safety reasons. I remember feeling excited at this point and scared, thinking this is where I’m going to have our baby! I was so tired and just looking forward to getting it over with. The doctor wanted to break my waters to speed things along - so much for no intervention! When they explain how they are going to break your waters it makes your stomach turn, but in the moment of labour I think you stomach anything and I am such a queasy person, I really did surprise myself throughout! The doctor checked me for dilation and said “who checked this woman?!”, I looked at her thinking ‘yep the baby’s head must be there, I just know it I can feel somethings happening’, The doctor looked at me and said “I’m so sorry, you’re barely 1cm!”. My heart sunk and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up and for everything to stop. I wanted out, I had lost all strength mentally and physically. After 8 hours of contractions I had gotten nowhere, active labour hadn’t even begun. So I was wheeled back to the antenatal ward with all 6 of our bags and pillows piled on Dom, and I had such little hope that I could even go on and start over again. I just cried.

The difference in 24 hours to my previous picture, as you can see I had clearly had enough by this point and there was no more looking fresh for me 😂

At this point I asked for pethidine - my “no drugs” policy went out the window - which as I was only at the beginning of labour wouldn’t affect the baby being sleepy/drowsy at birth. That’s what I didn’t want was to harm the baby or affect her delivery in any way, particularly with her health condition. I managed to doze in and out of sleep for 4 hours whilst contracting, all I wanted to do was just sleep sleep sleep. I remember looking down at Dom sleeping on the cold floor as I was coming in and out of contractions. 8am Thursday morning my Mum turns up with bags of food, a yoga mat for Dominic to sleep on and she’s fresh and raring to go - unlike Dom & I!

My Mum was like “right come on, you gotta get up and get moving! Get on your ball and start bouncing!”. I’m saying “yeah yeah I’m going to in a minute”, I was so tired already I just wanted to lay in the bed and sleep. I think I got out of bed and showered at some point, it made me feel better and the water on my tummy during a contraction was really nice! So bouncing on my ball I went & if I hadn’t used the gas and air before this point I was now - I can’t actually remember at what stage I used it but I was initially saying I didn’t want to at all. I think with the gas and air I didn’t take in too much because I didn’t want to feel that high woozy feeling, it was more so a distraction. After Dom googling what could help contractions, I think he was desperate to help in any way bless him, the TENS machine seemed a good idea. I was down for absolutely anything that was going to help!

Off my Mum went to Mothercare and £100 later we had the TENS machine - it was worth every penny I think!! By Thursday lunchtime I was using the TENS machine and it’s ‘boost’ button during every contraction which seemed to help! The day dragged on and I had no idea what time it was but I remember going for a walk around the hospital to stretch my legs and get some fresh air. It was icy cold outside and I was strolling in my nighty, dressing gown and the lovely circulation socks they give you, we went into the hospital newsagent for some treats and as we was queuing I got a contraction. I just held onto Dom so tight and buried my face into his arms just trying not to make any noise! The man at the till was just looking at me confused - I’m sure I’m not the first woman to be contracting in that shop! I had my TENS machine on and every contraction I would stop and hit the boost button to help counteract the pain.

Come 10pm Thursday 31st I was back on the labour ward, finally! My contractions started to slow right down and went from one every 5 minutes to every 12, I didn’t mind this at all, I was enjoying the break and trying to sleep in between! But of course labour doesn’t work like that and it needed to speed up to get the baby out! I was put on the hormone drip and all I remember was my contraction pain going from 0-100! I went from gas and air laying in bed trying to doze, to clawing up the bed and full “exorcist mode” hit! I have never experienced anything quite like it, I had Dom hitting the ‘boost’ button on the TENS machine at every contraction and my Mum rubbing the bottom of my back. All the while I was screaming into the gas and air suction - not really breathing it in correctly as I couldn’t focus. I was pulling myself off the bed, standing up and sitting back down just moving in any way to ease the pain but nothing helped. The pain felt like I had a giants hands around my pelvis and they was slowing crushing me, that’s what it felt like, horrendous.

never say never!

12.30am Friday morning feeling exhausted

I’m not quite sure how long I was contracting for until I demanded an epidural, which initially I was completely against and even turned my nose up at it when we had a labour ward tour at the hospital weeks before. I laughed and said “god no, why would you not want to feel anything for” - if there’s one thing I have learnt from my labour experience, NEVER SAY NEVER! How I managed to sit dead still for them to put the epidural in I don’t know, my mum says to me now she doesn’t know how I sat so still and was not bothered in the slightest about the needle. All I was thinking was please hurry up and take this pain away, no needle was going to bother me. Then it hit me, the cooling sensation of the epidural flowing down my body... wow. An absolute God send! I was so chilled after that, I kept saying “everyone should have an epidural!”, I might of even slept, I have no idea all I know was that labour was a very long time.

It’s funny because before I got put on the hormone drip my midwife said “have you thought about pain relief?” I had said “no I don’t want any pain relief” to which she chuckled because she just knew what was to come didn’t she and I had no idea. I honestly could not have done that without an epidural, I’m not disappointed that my birth didn’t go to my Hypnobirthing plan. Maybe it’s because I was induced and the hormone drip really did make my body jump from 0-100, but then I have nothing to compare it with as it’s my first labour. I’m glad it wasn’t too late for the epidural, it made the last part so much more enjoyable I was just chilling - so it felt like!

smiling after an epidural feeling like I can do this! I even took my hair down and brushed it ready for pushing

Fast forward to 8.30am Friday morning, my midwife said “in 45 minutes you’re going to start pushing” which I thought was weird, I’m like what’s the hold up, I’m ready now!

“hello poppet”

After 40 long hours of labour from start to finish, Polly Blossom arrived into the world at 10.08am on Friday 1st February and I could not believe how tiny she was at 5lb 6oz! The feeling of her leaving my body really was such a high, I wish I could relive that moment again. Polly was put onto my chest and my first words to her were “hello poppet, I’ve been waiting for you!”. Dom cried (don’t hate me for saying that Dom!), which set off both the midwives and my Mum crying, I remember looking round at them all like why are you crying for, I was just glad it was all over! I turned to the midwives and said “well that was easy!”, to which they all laughed and said “no Lucy it’s because you had an epidural”. My biggest fear was the pushing part and the baby getting stuck or getting in distress in some way & honestly after 40 hours of labour... yes 40, I found that the easiest part, which yes was probably down to the epidural.

When I was pushing, the epidural had started to wear off but I didn’t want to press for anymore as I wanted to feel what was happening. I could feel my contractions ever so slightly so I knew when to push. I used my Hypnobirthing techniques during this stage, I just had my eyes closed the whole time I pushed and was visualising Polly smoothly moving through the birth canal and that it was all very straight forward and I could do it. I think it helped at this point to stay in a positive mindset, baring in mind I had been in hospital for 2 whole days and slept in total for probably a couple hours. I was exhausted and realised why they say to save your energy for the pushing stage. I remember feeling very confident that I was able to push Polly out, and that I was able to do it smoothly and swiftly. Feeling her move down further was an amazing feeling, when everyone said “her head is out, the next push your baby will be here!” - it actually brings me to tears to recall that moment, it’s just so magical. Then one huge push later - Dom said I was turning blue - it felt like Polly flew out and everyone gasped in excitement!

We were lucky enough to capture a short video of Polly’s birth which we will treasure forever, hearing that first croaky cry melts my heart. Dominic cut the cord, which I surprised him with at that moment demanding “Dom will do it”, I think he would had done anything after watching me go through labour! After he cut it he said, “never make me do that again”, he is such a queasy person I’m surprised he didn’t faint at all.

Daddy getting Polly dressed for the first time with the help of Nanny

Polly at her heart scan with Daddy

It felt like Polly was on my chest for all of 10 minutes before she got checked over by the paediatrician, due to her heart defect and Down Syndrome they had to check her. Dom dressed Polly, with the help of my Mum - my cleverly labelled sandwich bags of ‘vests, baby grows, hat’ etc came in handy at that point so he knew what was what! Having an epidural I was bed bound as my legs were completely numb, so Dom had to take charge right away as I couldn’t help. Once Polly was dressed she was taken away for a heart scan, I had been stitched up at this point and was waiting for my cup of tea and flapjack which I was dying for. Dom went with Polly for her echo scan, whilst my Mum went out to make calls and the midwives left the room also. I was on my own drinking my tea and felt so many emotions, overwhelmed and so proud of myself for giving birth and then sad because my baby wasn’t with me. Polly was brought back following her echogram and the doctors confirmed her large AVSD - a big hole in the heart - which we already knew about so it was no shock, but they wanted to take her to NICU to observe her. I felt sad at this but had told myself beforehand they probably would need to monitor her, they wouldn’t just let us home without seeing how stable she was. We was told that she was going to be kept in over the weekend for monitoring, so after a cuddle for an hour tops the nurses came in to take Polly away and that was so hard.

Polly Blossom just 3 hours old

Our first family photo - me on the bed unable to move and Dom sitting by the baby’s cot keeping a close eye

After spending what felt like a couple of short hours with my brand new baby girl, who at this point still not named, we got taken to the postnatal ward without her. Once we was in the cubicle on the ward and Dom had fallen asleep in the chair, everything just hit me and I couldn’t stop crying. My heart was aching to hold my baby and look at her face, I was just looking at photos of her on our camera trying to remember what she looked like. I felt so much sadness with such a heavy heart, I was asking God, “why?” Why us, why does she have to have a heart defect and why does she have to be away from me. It’s a really strange feeling I hope I never have to relive. Carrying your baby for 9 long months, the overwhelming experience of giving birth and meeting them for the first time, to them being taken away and you just sat in a bed with a deflated stomach without them. The connection you already have to your baby is so strong but they are not with you, so you feel a longing for them as if your body is pulling you towards them but you cannot get to them. Luckily we got moved to our own room, sitting in a bay seeing other women holding their babies is a little depressing. I kept reminding myself of the mothers that don’t even get to have their baby and to be grateful that we have Polly on Earth with us.

Seeing Polly in NICU for the first time was heartbreaking.

Polly 2 days new

6 hours from Polly being taken to NICU, we got to go see her and give her a feed. Only NICU parents will know the feeling of walking through the doors to the ward and seeing your precious little newborn in an incubator for the first time, I’ll never forget that. Seeing Polly with a cannula in her hand, wires all over her body, oxygen and feeding tubes from her nose, it’s a surreal feeling like is this really happening? My hormones were just uncontrollable as you can imagine having just given birth, and the tears streamed from my eyes. That happened for another 3 weeks, every day we said to each other “she will be out this week”. Three long weeks Polly spent in NICU, she went from strength to strength though, coming off her feeding tube at day 5 and taking her first full bottle, then she was off her oxygen at day 10 and into a cot. The better the baby gets the closer they move you to the door basically, so every week we would walk into NICU and Polly had been moved which was always such a positive. Sometimes Dom and I took it in turns to go and sit with her, when we left we would call each other right away with an update on how she’s doing. Looking back now at the 1000 photos I have of Polly during her NICU stay, I don’t know how we both did it, day after day. It did not get easier and I think there was probably 2 days out of the 24 she spent there where I didn’t cry. Every morning I woke up with puffy eyes where I cried in the evenings, when we got home from our last visit of the evening I would sit in the kitchen and just cry. Or Dom could see something was up and ask what’s wrong, then my eyes would just pour with tears. I couldn’t of got through those weeks without him being so strong, I don’t know how he was but he did it and I know he did it for me. The only positive out of Polly’s stay I must say to lighten the mood was I got 8 hours of sleep every night - haha! Being so exhausted emotionally and mentally, I had no trouble sleeping and I wish I had cherished that sleep a little more as it’s very different now she’s home!

After 24 days in NICU, we took Polly home on the 24th February and I finally got the photo I had been dreaming about. The simple moment of walking out the hospital while your other half carries the baby in the car seat. Every time I see a Dad in the hospital with a car seat I always get emotional as I know they are preparing to take their baby home. It felt like she was never going to come home and it was so hard to stay positive, when we was at home I couldn’t imagine her being there. I didn’t want to set up her pram or the bedside crib in case I was jinxing it. But as I lay here at 5am writing this with my little Polly snoring on one side of me, and Dom snoring away on the other side - I couldn’t imagine my life without her now. I must kiss her cheeks 1000 times a day and as hard as those night feeds and broken sleep are, I just look at her face and think she’s not going to be little for long so I’m cherishing every moment.

Home time!

If you’re reading this and you are a Mumma to be please don’t let birth scare you, I’m sorry if my story has. During labour I wanted for it to end and just stop and I wanted to go back in time and not be pregnant, because I felt so exhausted I felt as though I couldn’t go on. But I did, and I would honestly do it all over again just to have Polly and meet her for the first time again and again. What’s two days out of your whole life?! Nothing! Time goes so fast, your labour will be over before you know it and your baby will be laying next to you at 6 weeks old snoring away.

If you’re reading this and you’re a NICU Mumma, or you may be at some point (hopefully not) my words of advice are this. It is hard, it will never be easy and it will only get harder but know every day is a day closer to having your baby home and they will be home. There is always someone worse off than you, and there will be another Mumma in there who’s baby will be there a lot longer than yours. Go home and sleep, please sleep as much as you can and don’t feel guilty for it. Don’t feel guilty for having the nurses look after your baby while you’re not there, you need to sleep and rest to be mentally and physically well for your baby while they are in NICU and for when they are home.

To every Mumma out there and to all the Mumma’s to be, YOU GOT THIS QUEEN!

The Golden Hour ❤️ It almost looks as though she is smiling back up at me

Her little heart is our heartache

It’s been a while since I have shared, I feel like for me this post has been the hardest part.

Firstly… IT’S A GIRL! Of course she is a girl, causing us little dramas already (takes after her Mumma) - ask my parents! We had a gender reveal that we shared with some close family & friends which was really special. I’ve never been one for big events and jumping onto what everyone else is doing, but it was a small get together in our home and it was a special moment to share as we all found out at the same time the sex of our babe. So I can now say SHE and we are both over the moon we are expecting a girl.

Secondly, I touched base on an earlier post that our Harmony Test appointment had picked up a possible heart defect. We had this confirmed at 21 weeks with a trip to a cardiologist at Kings College Hospital which we had been referred to. Although I expected it and knew that she has a heart defect, there was something about having that confirmed I found and still find incredibly difficult to come to terms with. My pregnancy has been a very healthy one and I have been lucky to enjoy it as much as I possibly can, but it hasn’t been easy emotion wise.

Being a first time Mum and experiencing a completely new path and challenges is a journey in itself, throw a prenatal diagnosis in the mix with a health condition and you’ve got yourself months of anxiety and worry about whats to come. For us it is the unknown, yes we can be told worse case scenarios by doctors but it doesn’t make it any easier knowing thats what they give. I am mentally preparing myself for the worse, it’s hard not to worry especially being a natural born worrier.

I’ve accepted her diagnosis of having Down Syndrome, that’s not who she is it’s just a part of her. Yes life will be a little different but I feel like we will appreciate so much more and that’s what a lot of people lack is appreciation for all the little things. It’s the thought of your child being sick, being in hospital and having surgery and the word ‘survival rates’ being mentioned to you and that it’s ‘lower for children with DS’ in terms of open heart surgery. It really does not matter how many people tell me about someone they know who’s got a hole in their heart and live a “perfectly normal life”. What if our little girl doesn’t live a ‘perfectly normal life’? I know people only say it to comfort you but for anyone in our position, maybe you feel the same that the only person who can comfort you is the person you are going through this with. I just feel broken right now of everything to come, my feelings will change in time, I will pick myself up because I have to, but for now I feel so incredibly sad this is happening.

Going back to our appointment the cardiologist talked us through what a normal heart is and how it operates with its four different chambers and then what our baby girl’s heart looks like. The tears just fell down my face as he spoke, I had that horrible lump in my throat and I just wanted it all to go away. People tell me that I am strong, but the person I admire the most is Dom. How he keeps it together for me I don’t know, he is there holding my hand or giving me that little squeeze on the back of my neck to say ‘its going to be okay’ and I am so grateful he is there. I made myself to be that independent woman who says “I don’t need no man” and I snap my fingers with some sass but the truth is I do need him, more than ever. I say to him “I couldn’t do this without you” to which he replies “you wouldn’t be in this position without me in the first place” and we have a little chuckle.

So our baby girl has a complete Atrioventricular Septal Defect (AVSD) which basically means there is a very large hole in the middle of her heart, along with a leaky valve. She will need to have surgery and this won’t close on it’s own. When the baby is born she could struggle with her breathing, and be quite breathless as if she is constantly running. I tell you now I will pray every day that a miracle happens and this isn’t the case. I always pray for her strength and good health anyway but I think we need a miracle.

The past few weeks seem to have been the hardest, I feel like I carry on as normal but inside my own heart feels cracked. We had our second cardiologist appointment today, and its the last one as they said we don’t need to go back until she is born. I’m writing this today because it feels right, my eyes are tired from crying and all I want to do is go to bed for a whole week and wake up feeling better. I feel emotionally exhausted and she’s not even here yet.

Not the most positive post from me, but at 28 weeks +5 days pregnant I am still here riding this rollercoaster of life. Nothing worth having is ever easy, I have to remind myself this on the hardest of days and I just picture our little girl here with us when the times right for her arrival and I feel so much emotion and love, that I cannot wait to share it with her.

Capturing memories of each milestone I hit during pregnancy - 7 months here <3 - special thanks to Dom for being so handy with a camera these days, he has learnt from the best ;)

Results Day - "It's bad news I'm afraid"

It just so happened that we was to get our test results for the Harmony Test whilst Dom was away on a short boys break. I said to him “shall I just text you the results when I get them? I’m sure it will be fine”. At that time I was open to the results being anything and thought to myself whatever the news I’ll be fine, I don’t need him here. 

I was sat at my Mums just me and the dog when I got the call, “Hi Lucy it’s (whatever her name was) calling from the Fetal Medicine Center at Harley Street... oh yes hello... Lucy it’s bad news I’m afraid.” At that moment I nodded taking in those words “it’s bad news”. She continued “your test results come back to check for the Trisomy 21 in your DNA and it is 99%”. Right okay sorry I’m not really taking in what you’re saying, so I said “can you tell me how they measure that, how do they get that result where does 99% come from?” I was confused and wanted to understand what she (whoever she was, receptionist, doctor or “bad news” caller) was telling me. “You’ll be emailed the results” Right okay that’s fine I can sit and read them. Okay thanks bye. 

My results - I have taken out personal details and dates.

I don’t know whether it was a delayed reaction but I just sat and stared into space and then felt like someone had my heart in their hands and was slowing crushing it into tiny pieces. I cried so hard, I felt so lonely at that moment & then receiving the email of the test results that read Trisomy 21 - 99% probability. I cried even harder. 

Through watery eyes I text Dom saying ‘can you talk?’ I didn’t want to tell him on the phone but I felt completely lost. Just broken. I called and from what I recall the conversation went something like “I got the results back Dom, the woman called and she said it’s bad news”. He didn’t want to know anymore he just said right okay then. I could tell he was probably a little bit tipsy - day time drinking as you do on a boys trip & most probably not the best time to get a call such as this. Dom said “Luce it doesn’t matter I love you and I love our baby, we got this it’s going to be okay”. I felt better immediately and nodded and said ‘okay I love you too Dom’.

It felt like it wasn’t really happening, like an outer body experience as they say. Like I said I can’t really recall every detail, only how I felt in that moment, as if everything was swirling and I didn’t know what to grab onto even though I was sitting down. My heart was sinking and all I wanted to do was hold Dom and never let him go.

I managed to pull myself together and drive back to our flat, I just needed to be at our home.

Don’t let social media fool you! I took this image a day after I received our news <3

I would also like to point out here that the way I was given the results was in fact really negative and you should NEVER tell someone in that situation that its “bad news”. That made me really angry later on once I had started digesting the information, because you are instantly putting the baby into a negative category that what you have been told is bad. The woman on the phone had also said that the results were only 99%, to be 100% sure I would need a CVS which involves removing and testing a small sample of cells from the placenta using either a needle or invasive. This has a 1% chance of miscarriage, and for me 99% was high enough to know I didn’t want to take the risk of loosing the baby. I told this woman I didn’t want the CVS as I was carrying on the pregnancy regardless, to which I think she sounded a little taken aback and said ‘oh okay then’.

My Dad was the first person to see me after I had received the results, which meant I had to repeat the news. He said to me “every time you tell your story it will become easier” which I thought was very wise. It was saying it out loud to every person, but now here I am 5 weeks down the line since our results telling our story so far, and it does get easier. Especially when writing this blog, I am putting my honest thoughts and feelings down for anyone to read, I thought this would be read mostly by my family and friends but hoping that it reaches someone who needs it. We have been overwhelmed with the response so far and it also means that people know our story, we don’t have to tell it to everyone we cross paths with. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to, but it gives others understanding and maybe the world could use a little more honesty and kindness. So that’s what I am here for, to tell our story, the good, the bad and the beautiful. That Downs Syndrome isn’t the “bad news” you may initially expect it to be, that in actual fact we have been blessed to conceive a child that I know for a fact will bring nothing but utter happiness and love into our lives. Yes we may have challenging times ahead, but isn’t that life? Is that not what we are here for to learn and grow in ourselves and try to make the world a better place.

This post has taken me longer to write as it was the most difficult and trying time we have both experienced so far. After receiving the results I found it hard to look at or read anything to do with DS, I just didn’t want to accept it. I felt incredibly broken, the only hope I had was when I thought about a client’s little boy who has Downs and I would never forget his beautiful face and nature. I reached out to this client, told her our news, I didn’t know what I wanted her to say or what I wanted to say but I just needed to hear something from a Mother who has experienced this first hand. She made me feel so much comfort and positivity, I honestly had a feeling deep down that I knew everything was going to turn out okay. When I say that I don’t mean that our child is to be born without Downs and the doctors have got it all wrong, but that the baby was going to change our lives for the better. I knew that and I felt it, but I also felt an overwhelming sadness and my heart felt so heavy. I couldn’t help but feel so sad.

This client said to me, “it’s okay to grieve for a child you imagined you would have”. WOW, that hit the nail on the head. That is exactly how I felt, I couldn’t quite make sense of it at first but when she said that I felt better in fact. I knew then it was okay and natural to feel that way, that I shouldn’t feel bad or guilty. In all my tears of sadness I felt guilt knowing I was crying over a baby I was still carrying. How dare I! But it is OKAY, we are human beings and we all grow up with an ideal of how our lives are going to be. How our children are going to be and everything will be so wonderful. So it was a process Dom and I was to both go through, grief of a child we imagined we would have, and digesting this news would take us time but I just prayed to God for strength. I prayed a few times and also asked ‘Why?’, why me, why us, I thought I was a good person and then I have been given this “bad news”. But that makes a person ungrateful, and an ungrateful person is an unhappy person. Again I felt guilt in thinking “why me?” but in the same breath I prayed that I trust in the process that God has planned for us.

Whatever you believe in, and I am not going into religion, but whether you have a certain faith or not. There are things in life you simply cannot change, you could alter those things by making a different decision. My decision from the moment we was told at our 12 week scan that our baby could potentially have Downs, was that I was always going to continue my pregnancy whether that meant I do it alone or we do it as a couple. As much heartache as our results give me, I believe you are only ever given what you can handle. Once you accept that, life can become a little easier and you will start to see the silver linings.

If you know anyone experiencing the same situation, or you are that person I would love to hear from you. I promise you that you have been chosen to carry a child who will make the world a better place, special people are picked to bring even more special humans into this world.

The Harmony Test - Week 14

14 weeks cooked <3

We travelled up to Harley Street to the Fetal Medicine Centre to have this Harmony Test.

We were both pretty anxious but planned to go for a nice dinner afterwards or even some shopping to make ourselves feel better about why we was there. We go in to have our analomy scan - which you have done by the NHS at 18-22 weeks - but paying for this private Harmony Test you get a scan with it also. So the baby is still only 14 weeks which I suppose you can only tell so much from, but the only thing I was looking forward to that day was seeing our little babe on the screen again :)

There the baby was upside down being stubborn - definitely take after their Dad with that one - so I had to do a little jump up and down to get them round the right way. So we got to see our baby again and my heart melted, “look at it” I said to Dominic and we was both transfixed on the screen. Scared to breath and nervous as hell, I just wanted this new doctor to say to us “they must have got it wrong in your first scan the babies neck measurements are absolutely fine!”. But he didn’t. He said the fluid on the baby’s neck had decreased to around 4.2mm, so Dom piped up “then it’s gone down by 10%'“ to which I looked at him and felt so proud our baby didn’t have to rely on me for my mathematical skills which I lack in. Okay so that is promising, at this moment we would hold onto anything and that was something at least.

The doctor continued to check the little limbs, kidneys, stomach, brain etc and said “looks good” as he got to each one. He got to the heart and we listened to our baby’s heartbeat for the first time, we both melted with happiness at that sound - they are really there, they do exist! The doctor didn’t say a word as he checked over the heart, and again my nerves increased.

When he was done checking, Dom asked the doctor what he thought in his professional opinion just by looking at the little scan as to whether there seemed like anything was wrong with the baby. To which the Doctor replied, “the baby is showing a heart defect, which is really common in babies with Downs”. Woah. Another blow. I could feel my own heart crack and wanted to just cry so bad but I held it together, we both did. Dom and I didn’t even look at each other, I felt like I would just break down if I did. So in my mind it was looking very likely that our little baby’s chances of having Downs Syndrome was very high and I cannot say how I felt in that moment but surreal. The Doctor left the room and came back to see us in each others arm and maybe he thought we needed hope I don’t know, but he said “The fluid could be there because of the heart defect. So it could just be a very minor heart defect and thats it”. If I’m honest that made me feel better and gave me some hope if any, even though you don’t want your baby to have a heart defect either.

I really did hold onto that it could just be a heart defect, which sounds so awful ‘just’ a heart defect but people live with these all the time. I had high hopes and felt really quite positive about our situation after leaving the Center, I would describe myself as a pretty open minded person. My Dad would say I always see the negatives in everything and sometimes can be a little overdramatic with a scenario, but I look at all outcomes. I like to be prepared for the worse in life but also I can see so much positivity even when others can’t. This is still our baby and conception in itself for anyone is a miracle, I have dreamed and imagined this for so long my time was finally here and with the right person by my side.

I had my bloods done after the analomy test which to be honest is what took my mind off what we had been told about the baby’s possible heart defect. An atrioventricular septal defect to be exact - again they were only over 14 weeks so still early stages to find out anything certain. Who enjoys having their blood taken, not many people I am sure and I am one of those that thinks too much about it and I get light headed, woozy and feel like I am going to throw up. So I had the joy of that next - yay! Well it was all a bit dramatic as my veins collapsed three times whilst she was trying to take my bloods so I had to have a lay down in her office with some water. All the while Dom had popped to the shop as I told him ‘just go I’ll be absolutely fine on my own’ - famous last words. So yes that took our minds off the second blow we had received as we just laughed at how scared I was over the bloods being done.

Again my family & friends were calling and texting me all day to see how we had got on, I found it so difficult to tell them that they had in fact picked up a heart defect. I eventually spoke to my Mum who I had been avoiding to tell, just because I didn’t want to relive the pain I felt when I said it out loud. But as always she is my strongest supporter and knows exactly what to say - I am so very grateful to have her in my life, in both our lives. I replied to my friends texts to tell them the news so far and every time I was sat with my phone in my hand with my eyes filled with tears. It really started to sink in then, and it hurt, it hurt a lot.

We was to wait up to 7 days to receive a call on my results, the results would be 99% accurate and could tell me my odds by checking my DNA and seeing whether I was carrying Trisomy 21 which is also known as Down’s Syndrome. Trisomy 21 is the extra chromosome which is genetically formed during conception, I suppose it is just something that could happen to anyone at any age. Being 28 I would say I am still young, most people associate an older woman maybe 40+ having a child with Trisomy 21. But nope, it can happen and it does happen and we was to find out if we had been chosen to carry a baby with Downs Syndrome.

Having a little look around the shops after we had been for our tests, all smiles but really we was hurting on the inside. I tell you what makes a strong couple and all this “couple goals” is actually the hard and toughest times that life throws at you. That’s what can determine whether your relationship can stand that, and I truly believe ours can <3