I know you’re grieving right now. You feel a pain in your chest and an emptiness in your stomach, but you can’t quite explain it. That’s grief. ‘Yes!’, you think, ‘that’s how I feel’. But you can’t quite explain that to people, they just won’t get it. You’ll feel guilt that you are grieving, because you still have your baby. It doesn’t make sense and it feels strange. You have no idea what it feels like to loose a child. But you’ve lost loved ones, people close to you and it’s that same type of heart wrenching, empty feeling of ‘gone’. As if everything you knew was now different and you could do absolutely nothing to change it. Well yeah you could, there’s always one option, but you don’t believe in that way. Deep down you know there’s a reason your baby has Down Syndrome. There you said it. Words that will one day become a part of your frequent vocabulary, but at the moment it’s a little too raw to say. You’re adjusting, you’re digesting and it’s going to take time.
The day you both decided to try for a baby, when you both said it with excitement and you started imagining what your future would be like as a family of 3. You had no idea of what was to come, that things were going to be different to what you had imagined. The man you was so in love with, the man you spent every waking minute with wanted to have a baby with you. This meant forever, this was scary but it made your heart skip a beat. It made you love him even more. You never knew that you would have to call him when he was away, to say “it’s bad news” that you could barely get your words out. You just wailed down the phone saying the baby has Down syndrome. That moment you needed him so bad, but actually looking back you both needed your own space and time to process this in your different ways. It would only be a few days until you could see each other again. He never knew that you felt like a failure, that you hadn’t given him the perfect family he so longed for. That he deserved, he talked about it on your first date and you knew then he was a good guy. I know you’re scared of him leaving you because you want this baby and he might not. But he will, it will take him time. A lot longer than it will take you to accept but one day he will be so overwhelmed with love that your baby will be all you ever speak about. He will speak about her with such pride. Yes it’s a girl! But you knew that the moment you found out you was pregnant. You hoped and wished so badly for a girl, you felt guilty in case it was a boy. Not that having a boy is bad but you just wanted this baby to be a girl.
I know you wanted to keep it a secret and not find out the sex of the baby, but it’s helped you bond with her better while she’s growing. It’s helped you try and understand who they are. You won’t know until she is here just how strong and resilient she is. She will surprise you daily with her strength and character. She will do things you never even thought she could achieve, you will appreciate the little things. Like when she holds her beaker for the first time and drinks all by herself. When she can feed herself finger food, that she can tell you when she’s hungry by pulling a certain face. When she stands up on her own for the first time holding on and that’s all before her 1st birthday. She’s smart, real smart and determined. It’s just Down Syndrome, it’s not a big deal.
She hasn’t got a disease, yes her heart will need fixing. I know that’s what will hurt you the most once it sinks in about her DS. It will make your heart hurt so much and give you terrible anxiety during your pregnancy knowing what’s to come. But actually you will enjoy your pregnancy, you’ll make the best of it because that’s what you do with everything. People will wonder how you’re getting on being busy every day knowing what you know. That is because Mumma, you are strong. There are many times in your life when you’ve felt less, you’ve felt unworthy and that people have always taken advantage of you. That’s because they had, you was there to help them and they took advantage of it. But this will mould you. It will shape you into a new you. It may bring you tears you will think may never end, but it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It will make you stronger, it will toughen your skin. There will be things that you won’t put up with and you’ll speak up. I know you’ve cried and asked God, “why me?! why did I pull the short straw?”, but there will be times you will drop your head and feel so grateful you could cry. More grateful than you’ve ever felt in your life, you will feel lucky. I know that’s hard to understand right now, how could you ever feel lucky when you feel the way you do now. But you will, you’ll feel it so many times. You’re about to embark on a whole new journey. Your life is going to do a 180, you know you’ve always said you don’t need any more friends well guess what you do! Not because your friends aren’t good enough, in fact your friends will show their true worth. They will check in on you, they’ll bring you dinner, they’ll come see you in hospital and know you need some air. They will try their very best to understand and that’s enough. They will want to understand everything that’s going on with the baby and they will be so proud of you and you will love them just that bit more. You’ll get angry with them sometimes, you’ll get angry with everyone in fact. Surprisingly everyone except Dom, because he gets it. Nobody else will and you will be angry at that. Hopefully they forgive you for it, you’ll go through a lot. So many emotions in fact that it will continue to overwhelm you. You will find your ways of dealing with it.
I know right now is scary, it’s frightening and the unknown terrifies you. The truth is Mumma, it terrifies us all. If life were easy, where’s the excitement in that?! People will send you articles because it’s their way of helping, but you just can’t bring yourself to look at them. You haven’t accepted it fully. But this is the process and you need to trust in it, your path has been paved and it will be more beautiful than you know. It’s a rocky road, it isn’t going to be easy but you will get through it. A year down the line you will wonder how you ever did it, you will amaze yourself all the time because you have never really believed in yourself, but now you will. Your trauma and experience will help others, you won’t understand how but apparently just by being you will help other parents who will walk in your shoes.
Although you are sad, and your heart aches you just know deep down everything will be alright. You’ll pray more than you ever have in your life, you will ask God and your angels to help give you strength every day, and to help guide you onto the right path. It will bring you so much peace to pray, to know you are asking a higher power for help. We are all given help and strength when we need it most, all we have to do is ask.
Then the baby will be born, it will be a long labour and you’ll be really exhausted. She will take her sweet time, but you know what it won’t be as bad as you’re imagining. She will arrive safely, your first words to her will be “hello poppet, Mummy’s been waiting for you” and you will be on cloud 9. The whole room will cry when she arrives, you don’t (surprisingly), you’re just so grateful she is here safely and that it’s over with. She will spend some time in NICU, much longer than you expected and you will have a really hard time with that. You’ll name her Polly Blossom, because every super baby needs a superstar name. People will tell you they can see her name in lights one day, and do you know what I think they may be right! See, it won’t be so bad after all Mumma, just hang on in there and trust in the process. Look for your inner strength and keep on educating others, help change people’s perceptions on Down Syndrome and that there is nothing ‘down’ about it. For Polly Blossom just has an extra chromosome, with a little extra sparkle.
