This pregnancy is golden, I am nearing 6 months and it feels magical everyday.
Yes I dip in and out of sciatica, yes bedtime is the most difficult part wrestling my 4 year old into her pyjamas, to have her teeth and hair brushed (worse part!), while we read 100 books and she delays going to sleep for as long as she possibly can.. Then I sit on the beanbag next to her bed, sing her to sleep every night without fail and struggle to get comfortable and get myself up while she’s snoring away. Hoping on getting a nursing chair and temporarily having it in Polly’s room so bedtime is easier and I’m not sat on the floor - but we deal with what we have!
But I am enjoying it far more than I thought I would, feeling the baby kick and move feels surreal still. Time is flying and I feel so unprepared but ready to meet them at the same time. It can’t come quick enough but I also want time to slow down so I can enjoy this time being pregnant.
I had the realisation the other day this will be the last times it’s just me and Polly, doing all the things we do together. When we spend 13/14 hours of a day together, just me and her and I felt incredibly guilty that is going to change for her. But I know like all the children, and like I did when my sister was born, they adapt, you adjust as a family and they forget about it. That’s very chill of me to say because deep down I am so scared of the big changes this will be for her. How I won’t be able to be so available for her, I am her main caregiver. Hopefully my fiancé D will get as much time off as possible with paternity and holiday, so we can all adjust. Although Polly is 4, she’s not a typical 4 year old, we have been working on her independence all year and another 4 months time she will have even more. That makes me so proud of her!
In the same breath on the days like this weekend when she’s been poorly, I think gosh how will I manage with the two? How will D manage with his shifts, his working pattern is all over the place, sleep is all over the place, how will we do it? But I’m also certain we will find our way.
This baby is a blessing, a gift, and here for a reason. I believe they will heal us in ways we never knew we could be healed. Being pregnant with baby number two, has made me reflect so much on my pregnancy with Polly. I know I did a few blog posts during that time and maybe I’ll read over them again soon, but I don’t feel like I shared it all? Or as much as I could have done. Maybe it’s having a typical pregnancy has put everything into perspective. How much we actually went through, from pregnancy to birth to the first year and then some. Our journey was so out of the ordinary, well not rare but just not typical. Lucky still, and even though I grieve the time we did have, in the same breath I always hold gratitude. I really do believe that’s what has given us so much luck. Is to be grateful for all that we do have, that when I look at our journey with Polly and as parents, I often say to D ‘we really are so lucky you know’.
Having a typical pregnancy now and looking back on when I was carrying Polly. From the get go at our first 12 week scan we had “bad news”, we had shock, we had uncertainty, we never felt joy or happiness that most feel at the first scan. Or relief when you see the little baby bean wriggling around on the ultrasound screen. That overwhelming and surreal feeling, where you can’t believe that tiny being is growing in your body. We experienced that briefly for the first few minutes, squeezing each others hand when they introduced Polly on the screen at the 12 week ultrasound. Then the quick “everything looks good, but your body is showing signs of Down Syndrome so someone will take you into another room to explain what that means”. I will never forget how blunt that was, no compassion, no explanation, just like happiness had been zapped from the room. Then we walked round to another room in silence where we sat and waited for the fetal medicine midwife in silence because neither of us knew what to say.
That time was robbed, but it’s been given back and for that I am truly grateful. Our first scan in this pregnancy with baby B was just what we needed, it was positive and I went in fully equipped with telling them our daughter has DS, we feel nervous etc etc. Just to experience a positive scan felt so wonderful, leaving the hospital both uplifted and excited. Something we never got first time round. Then to have our 20 week scan, which again I felt extremely nervous over that 2 month wait and not feeling any movement yet. To then see them on the screen, an in depth scan, watching them wriggle and roll, capture their perfect little side profile. My eyes just whelled up.
I grabbed D’s hand and I just felt overwhelmed with happiness. During that scan where they do the checks on the baby on all parts of their body - I also understand these are only 50% accurate. But it was just enough to put my mind at ease. Not that I wished anything like “I hope this baby doesn’t have Down Syndrome”, because a couple people have asked that and when they did it was the first time I really thought about it. I just pray that my baby is healthy, they are healthy and well and are thriving.
In all honesty after Polly I have always been triggered by other people saying about their own pregnancies “I just hope the baby is healthy”. I have always taken it personal, assuming they mean “I hope my baby doesn’t have Down Syndrome “. It’s been a trigger for me, but now I am saying those words “I just hope the baby is healthy” and it’s not what I thought it would mean.
We have experienced the health side, been so involved in the medical world with a young poorly baby, that’s left us with a lifetime of trauma. It’s changed us in ways I may never be able to explain. That’s what I don’t want, again, that’s what I can’t do , again. Also why we put off trying for another, both terrified from our first experience. Also both still terrified but mostly hopeful that everything will work out. I’m a dreamer and D is a realist, I know he is putting it to the back of his mind whereas I am trying to handle it as I go with hope.
At our 20 week scan this time, when it got to the heart the woman took her time but also didn’t speak, whereas she seemed to have spoke to us more during the rest of the scan. I squeezed D’s hand harder and felt him hold mine tight in response. It felt like we was both holding our breath. Tears started to fall down my left cheek as my head was tipped looking at the screen, it brought back memories of all Polly’s heart scans during my pregnancy with her. I felt the ache in my chest and wanting to cry out from the pain from that. Eventually she said all looks well, we both felt the relief. She also explained how they cannot detect everything and it is 50% chance of picking up a defect. That was just enough for me to feel settled really. We left feeling positive, everyone wanted to know how it went and “everything okay?” was the question I got asked time a lot and still now. Of course people are just making sure all is going well for me and the baby. I know what they mean and I always say, everything looks good it was a really positive scan. That’s my boundaries of we don’t need to discuss this further!
Yes there’s a chance the baby could have Down Syndrome, from my knowledge and I could be wrong, but mostly because my body was able to carry a baby with a genetic condition to full term. A lot of babies with an extra chromosome (Downs Syndrome) fight incredibly hard to make it in the uterus, the fact my body and Polly worked together to make that happen. It’s rather special!
