Trigger warning - pregnancy and miscarriage*
I forgot how nerve wracking it feels to be pregnant, I think I felt this first time round with Polly. The lead up to the 12 week scan is a whirl wind time, you don’t feel pregnant, even if you have symptoms and your boobs have ballooned, you still second guess yourself every day with the “am I still pregnant” theory.
In Polly’s pregnancy I remember thinking what if something is wrong with the baby, and I really hate that term now “wrong”. In my eyes there is nothing wrong with Polly but what I was referring to at the time was her health. I’m sure we all have that worry, but unfortunately I was right! So this time round, my worries feel they have multiplied and so has my knowledge. I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy every night where people die every episode or babies with serious medical issues that have to be terminated keep showing up, let’s just say it’s not helping my anxiety but my pregnant self can’t get enough of watching it still and balling my eyes out every time. This time my hormones keep telling me, but what if that’s me, what if this is all preparing me and it’s a sign. My logical self (I don’t have much of that) is telling me to breathe, calm and say everything will be totally fine. I can feel my anxiety rising as I type this and I’m having to take a breath.
I almost knew instantly that I was pregnant but after trying on and off for a year after my miscarriage in Summer 2021 which took some time for me to fall. Why do we always think it’s going to be wham bam you’re pregnant mam? Let me tell you… this life creating force takes time! The right time maybe, very difficult to believe in some circumstances and situations. For me, I’m at peace with the loss and I can see how it evolved me and that I had my biggest year of personal growth. It doesn’t take away that it still hurts to think of, or going back to the day I miscarried on the toilet while Polly held my hands and jumped up and down smiling & laughing with no idea what was going on. I hid the pain well, I don’t really remember much after that but I was fortunate to be early enough I needed no intervention and it passed naturally. I am grateful for that. Hospitals bring back so much trauma for me and the thought of going for me and alone… I can’t even entertain the idea.
1-2 weeks pregnant the test said, it was fresh! I did a test after a counselling session and saying to my counsellor “I just think I can’t and won’t get pregnant and I have to accept that”. I believed Polly never would have a sibling and truth be told, I was doing it for her, so that brings a whole lot of emotion. I couldn’t quite believe that it said I was pregnant, after so many failed pregnancy tests I had done that year. I was in shock! I didn’t know what to feel, just shock!
Fast forward to when I started experiencing symptoms around 5 weeks they kicked in STRONG! I felt completely and utterly wiped, getting up in the morning was difficult but non negotiable with Polly, I would lay back down on the sofa downstairs doing the bare minimum. Feeling like I couldn’t physically move! Most of the day I felt like that and I managed having her Dad there on shifts with work so sometimes there during the morning/ afternoon and sometimes there in the evening to cook dinner. Eating was a whole battle in itself, food aversions were strong. Smells offended me then put me off food, the fridge and just opening the doors to it made me feel ill. Trying to cook a nutritious meal for your three year old but you feel incredibly weak and sick, well I don’t know where the push comes from but you do it for them!
My diet and mostly Polly’s too has consisted of beige and cheese, I always seem to go to a basic kids school lunchbox mode. Like oranges are my go to, at least 1 a day, craving that vitamin C which is good and the only form of fruit and veg I can tolerate. But cheese, gerkins, yoghurts, anything dairy related and chocolate has been consumed by the gallon. Which naturally I feel guilty by! I’ve been miserable as hell, moody, unsociable, you name it all the good qualities one wants to spend time with in another person. I don’t throw up, I didn’t really with Polly maybe only from teeth brushing first thing. I’m just nauseous most of the day, and I gag at everything. Random stuff, like getting Polly out her car seat I’m wretching. Poor girl, hope she doesn’t get a complex! Food shopping I get anxious and start wretching into my jumper whilst walking in. All these wonderful and beautiful moments in the first trimester that get overlooked! It’s okay to want a baby and get pregnant and be totally miserable!!!!
Shall I say that again? It’s okay to want a baby, get pregnant and be totally miserable! It’s called HORMONES and we have zero control over them and how we’re feeling. You have no idea how you’ll feel until you’re in that position. Then it’s done, the feelings are there, emotions are high and you feel depressed. For a good two months I felt depressed, like really really low, nothing would raise my vibration, I couldn’t see much joy. I did feel the same pregnant with Polly but it felt really intense this time - maybe because it was more fresh and happening in current time? Fear and anxiety everyday just creeping up on you, insomnia during the nighttime and laying awake from 3-5am playing out what if scenarios in your head. Having to constantly remind myself every 20 minutes after conjuring up a whole conversation I was going to have with a person about a particular matter that bothered me once, and remind myself that this is hypothetical and not actually happening and to go back to sleep. That’s all normal right? I believe so!
The fear during pregnancy, during the first trimester in particular when there are so many uncertainties is overwhelming.
I hope to keep blogging throughout this pregnancy, although it’s very scary I feel very blessed I get to do this again. Hope it helps someone else to feel their feelings are valid during pregnancy, whatever you’ve gone through!
